When He Loved Me
by elana-chan
Summary: (KakaIru)Kakashi watches over a certain sleeping chuunin and thinks about their relationship


Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic but myself. Naruto and its characters belong to someone else and it's not me. The song is property of Sarah McLachlan for the movie Toy Story. The only thing I own that is Naruto-related would be the idea of this fic and my Kakashi and Iruka plushies. Enough about me, on with the fic! Hope you enjoy it minna-san. (bows before readers)

_/blah…/ _- song lyrics and dialogue

**When He Loved Me…**

By elana-chan

* * *

_When somebody loved me,  
Everything was beautiful  
Every hour we spent together,  
Lives within my heart_

The day was perfect. It was utterly beautiful. Bright sunlight washed over the countryside, bathing everything with warm and golden kisses. The kisses were followed by the caress of a cool breeze that darted to and fro on the ground, easing the warmth from the burning orb in the sky. Laughter, musical and comforting, can be heard from children who had wandered outside to enjoy the nice day that had been given to them by Mother Nature. Once in a while, an adult's laughter, deep yet musical in its own way, would join the cacophony of sounds that had filled the air. The breeze brought with it scents of sun, earth, flora and others that would remind the people that it's that time of year. Spring has finally come to Konoha.

Despite all these telltale signs of the season, it all went unnoticed to one silver-haired masked jounin. The man didn't even spare a glance outside the single window of the room he was in. All of his attention was focused one only one thing. No. Only one person. The person with whom he wanted to see the beauty of the day. The person now sleeping in this small hospital room. The only living person who would understand and accept him for who he really is beneath the literal and figurative masks he was wearing.

Then again, this person was alive yet not alive. He was still in the land of dreams and fantasies, sleeping and still not ready to wake up. That's what Kakashi had been telling himself as he watched the sleeping figure of the man that was his lover, his friend, his confidant and his partner. The teacher whom children adored and looked up to. The man whom his peers and superiors respected and admired. Naruto's favorite chuunin teacher. Umino Iruka.

_And when he was sad,  
I was there to dry his tears  
And when he was happy, so was I  
When he...loved...me..._

Within the privacy of the small hospital room, the masked jounin let his stoic mask drop. Kakashi reached out with a hand to caress those strands of chocolate-brown hair before tucking them into place, behind the soft curve of an earlobe. He noticed with detached sentiment that the normally alive chocolate locks now lay limp on the stark white pillow that cushioned the head of the young teacher. The younger chuunin's face was relaxed in his sleep and his normally pony-tailed hair was now free from its confines, making him even look younger in Kakashi's eyes. No matter how many times he had seen that face in his sleep, the silver-haired jounin would never get tired of looking.

Trailing his hand over a smooth cheek, the jounin remembered all those times he had been there for the younger chuunin, when Iruka had needed him most. He then remembered how he would gently wipe away the tears and leave no trace of tear trails on those cheeks. Then, he would hold the younger man close, whisper words of comfort and finally place a soft kiss on the other's scarred nose as a finale.

Such acts would never fail to lighten Iruka up and chase away the sadness that haunted those expressive chocolate-hued irises. Iruka would reward him with a small smile, the rest of his happiness, gratitude and love expressed in those wonderful eyes of his. Kakashi would then know that Iruka was truly happy. And knowing that he was the one who chased away Iruka's sadness was enough to chase away his own demons.

_Through the summer and the fall  
We had each other, that was all  
Just he and I together,  
Like it was meant to be..._

For the first time since his first visit, Kakashi finally looked outside the only window of the room. He finally heard the sounds of spring, the scent of it, and remembered. Remembered how the sight of cherry trees in bloom would never fail to fascinate Iruka. Remembered how Iruka would goad him to leave his novel behind and help the kids in flying their kites.

Now, memories of past seasons with the chuunin flashed before his eyes. Summer would mean Iruka treating him and his team for ice cream and how the chuunin would look with proud eyes as Naruto narrated their recent mission with the flair of a born storyteller. Autumn would always be remembered with the memory of Iruka scolding him in a manner similar to that he would accord to a problematic Academy student after Kakashi had appeared right in the middle of the pile of leaves the pony-tailed teacher had labored over for half a day.

But it was the chilly season of winter that was truly unforgettable. For it was when one of his most precious memories with the chuunin teacher was created. One snowy afternoon, Iruka had approached him, a blush adorning his scarred nose and a pair of mittens on one hand. Kakashi had forgotten his gloves that morning when he went out to meet his team. Naruto had apparently commented in Iruka's presence that his jounin instructor was really a lazy idiot to forget to wear gloves in such cold weather. Despite having some remaining unease with him from the heated debate about the chuunin exams, Iruka had approached him and gave him those mittens which he never got around to return. It was the start of everything. And that made it into his mental gallery of treasured moments with Iruka.

_And when he was lonely,  
I was there to comfort him  
And I knew that he...loved...me..._

An orange butterfly entered the room and landed on the single sunflower that adorned the otherwise white room of Iruka. The vivid color caught Kakashi's eye and snapped him out of his thoughts. The vibrant color reminded him of Naruto, Iruka's most adored student. The blond had visited his former teacher when he heard the news, leaving the Frog Hermit to go back to Konoha and make sure his sensei was all right. After a few weeks of no response, Naruto had gone back to join Jiraiya with a heavy heart. The thought of the energetic and loud-mouthed blond brought a different set of memories that involved his beloved dolphin.

He reminisced with a mixture of melancholia and elation the day when the pony-tailed teacher finally mustered all his courage to tell him of his feelings. Kakashi had decided one day to visit the chuunin since he had missed the presence of Iruka after being busy with missions with his team and solo missions for the Hokage. Not finding the teacher in the mission room and in the Academy faculty room, he decided to see of the other had gone home early for that day. He had been stunned when Iruka hugged him after opening the door, the younger man's smaller body trembling against his with repressed sobs. Steering both of them inside, Kakashi had sat both of them on the couch, asking for no explanation, letting the other find comfort from his presence. He had returned the other's embrace with a reassuring one, silently telling the other man that he was there to listen.

After a few minutes of silent comforting from the silver-haired teacher and a few audible sounds from the brown-haired chuunin, Iruka had then started to talk. He had pulled away from Kakashi's arms, not looking the other man in the eye and hastily apologized for his behavior. Kakashi had stopped the other's rush of words when he gently took hold of Iruka's tanned chin and tilted his face for the jounin to see. Loneliness and melancholia had been clearly present in those expressive brown orbs.

Uttering softly Iruka's name, Kakashi managed to unleash the feelings that the chuunin teacher had been hiding for some time. Iruka had been more lonesome in the past few weeks. He had missed the presence of Naruto, with the latter busy with his team and his new-found friends.

Iruka and Naruto had this tradition of eating ramen together on weekends, taking that time to catch up on what the other had been doing. That weekend, the blond had excused himself and said that Shikamaru and the others had invited him to hang out with them. Iruka had taken this all in stride but the thought of being alone once again had planted itself in the teacher's mind. Nauruto hadn't been able to come the next weekend because of a mission with team 7. Iruka had tried to get hold of Kakashi and talk to the other man but he was included in the mission.

The thought of being abandoned by the people he cared for had taken hold of Iruka's thoughts. The chuunin had thought he would be forgotten, alone once again. He had murmured with sadness and fear that he didn't want to be alone again.

Those words from Iruka had struck a chord in Kakashi's well-guarded heart. He had been struck with the thoughts of wanting to be the one to wipe the other's tears, be the one to make Iruka smile, be the one to witness the person beneath the mask of the polite teacher, be the one to comfort the chuunin in moments like this. Kakashi had also realized that he echoed Iruka's thoughts. That he didn't want to be alone anymore. And the person he wanted to be there with him was none other than Iruka. The thought then struck him like lightning. That all of these feelings he have for the other was none other than love.

He had told all of these to Iruka in just to sentences. _I'm here, Iruka. You don't have to be alone anymore._

The response he had gotten was precious. _I'm glad it's you, Kakashi._

Kakashi then knew that Iruka had returned his feelings.

_So the years went by,  
I stayed the same  
But he began to drift away,  
I was left alone_

Kakashi let out a rueful smile at that memory. But when he looked once more at the occupant of the white hospital bed, all the remorse and depression he had been fighting these past few weeks came back with a vengeance. The season had distracted him from his dark musings. The memories of the past month came back to haunt him once again, replacing the happier ones he had been reminiscing a while ago. The memories which had played themselves in Kakashi's mind as he watched over the sleeping chuunin. How Kakashi had come home from a solo mission only to find Iruka here in the hospital, sleeping and seeming never to wake up again.

All had been going well for the both of them. But with their admittedly different personalities, they were bound to have some tiffs, minor and major ones. They had usually resolved them before they became too serious but one issue still had remained unsolved between them: Kakashi's reckless attitude when it came to his high-ranking missions.

Time and time again, Iruka had cautioned him to be careful on his solo missions and come home not ridden with cuts and bruises. Kakashi ignored most of these warnings, telling himself that Iruka had no idea what one experiences on such missions. The thrill of the hunt, the rush of adrenaline at escaping the clutches of death by an inch. Kakashi had lived for these things. It made him alive somewhat; that the village needed his expertise to keep them safe. It made him feel important; all the better, it made him feel useful. It had given him purpose. He had told himself back then that Iruka knew none of these things since he never undertook the kind of missions that Kakashi had always done -- and lived for.

It was almost two months ago when it happened. Kakashi had just finished a solo class-A mission for the Hokage, tracking down some missing nins that had been lurking around the borders of Konoha. He had went home in a bad mood after the missing nins had given him a hard time, followed by the Hokage lecturing him for not being careful in his solo missions.

Apparently, Iruka had been waiting for his return in his apartment. The masked jounin would have been elated at the concern of the other for him but his mood had not yet lightened up. Iruka had then noticed his state and fussed over him, once again admonishing him for his recklessness.

Tired and cranky, Kakashi had snapped at the younger chuunin. Kakashi still remembered the exact words he had said to Iruka, every word leaving an ache that grew as the memory progressed.

_I had enough of this unnecessary fussing of yours, Iruka. I'm a jounin and a former ANBU. I know what I'm doing. You have no idea of what happens in missions I've taken. So stop this nonsense. I'm tired and I can take of myself from here._

Iruka had stared at him for a long time. The chuunin stared at his hands that had been hovering over the other man's pale shoulder. He had then retracted them and bid a soft farewell to the jounin, leaving the masked jounin's apartment before Kakashi could even react. After the teacher left, Kakashi had then told himself that Iruka would come out of his snit and realize what he had been saying.

Since that incident, Iruka had avoided him like a plague. Kakashi had tried make idle chat with the chuunin in the mission room but Iruka would just ignore him and continue his work. Kakashi had shrugged at this attitude, thinking that the Academy teacher was still holding a grudge from what happened that night. It would surely pass, Kakashi had told himself then.

_Still I waited for the day,  
When he'd say:  
I will always love you _

_But it hadn't passed. Instead, this happened._

Kakashi thought bitterly he broke away from his musings for a while to look at the comatose Iruka, willing for the other to make any kind of movement and assure him that there's still hope for the other to wake up from his unending sleep. But like so many times he had wished this, only the rise and fall of the other's chest was the only movement from the sleeping Iruka.

_It's my stubborn thinking that got us into this mess. It's all my fault you're now lying there 'Ruka…_

The masked jounin dredged up those painful memories as punishment for letting this happen to Iruka. He allowed the emotions flood back into his already battered heart and let himself remember.

Kakashi had left on a week-long mission, his conflict with Iruka still not settled. The silver-haired jounin had thought to settle things once and for all; he had been missing the other's presence after all. He had then left the village to complete his mission, not having the chance to say goodbye since the chuunin had been avoiding him.

What he hadn't known was that while he was away on that mission, Iruka had requested a mission from the Hokage, a class-B one. Iruka's reason, Tsunade had told him when he arrived, was a brush-up on his skills as a chuunin and not an Academy teacher. Lacking nins at that time and seeing that Iruka needed some time off from the Academy, Tsunade had given him a surveillance mission on the southern borders of Konoha. He was to team up with other chuunins for the mission in case of an encounter with some rogue nins in the area.

It was supposed to be an easy mission since that part of the border was one of the most peaceful borders of the village. But a troop of Akatsuki scouts had decided to take that path to make an entrance into the village. They had managed to escape and call for help but Iruka was caught by an earth jutsu and landed badly on his head. Kotetsu, on the the chuunins in the team, had told them how Iruka had tried to hold them off for the reinforcement to arrive. They had arrived just in time to see Iruka fall and had immediately rushed him back to the village to be treated.

And instead of seeing a mother-hen Iruka scolding him for the minor scratches and bruises he had gained from the mission, it was the image of a sleeping Iruka, still pale from the loss of blood and beautiful brown tresses hidden from view by the bandages the doctors had placed there.

The only thought that had ran throughout his head that day was what he would have given just for Iruka to fuss over him again.

_Lonely and forgotten,  
Never thought he'd look my way  
And he smiled at me and held me,  
Just like he used to do_

Weeks passed and still Iruka slumbered in this small hospital room. Kakashi had been there to see the medic nins remove the bandages from there position in the chuunin's head. He had been there when Tsunade shook her head in dismay at the lack of response from Iruka during her checkup. He had been there when Naruto returned, witnessing the blond's tears as he pleaded for his sensei to wake up. He had always been there to look after the sleeping chuunin, making a vigil beside Iruka's bed.

The others had been there for him. Despite the company, he still felt lonely without Iruka's warm presence. The younger nin's body might be near him, true, but his presence could not be found in the small white room of the hospital. Kakashi wanted to be always near Iruka, hoping that the other might wake up again and ease this loneliness that had began to settle inside himself.

Kakashi buried his face in his hands, trying to hold back the tears that had been threatening to spill from his eyes ever since that day when he saw Iruka's comatose form in that hospital bed. Trying with all his might to stop the tears from falling.

'_Ruka, wake up._

_Wake up and let me tell you that I'm sorry._

_Wake up so that you can scold and lecture me for being an ass in my missions._

_Wake up so you can get angry at me again for saying those things to you._

_You don't need to prove yourself. You're a much better nin, a better human, than I am._

_Please wake up, 'Ruka._

_Onegai…_

It was the rustle of cloth that made him aware of his surroundings once again. Kakashi thought he was hearing things. But the sound repeated itself. Slowly looking up from his hands, afraid that the noise was just a figment of his desperate musings, the silver-haired jounin looked at the occupant of the bed.

Taking a hand into his own callused one, Kakashi called out the chuunin's name with a voice tinged with desperation, longing, fear and hope all together. The hand tightened a bit and long lashes fluttered. Slowly, soulful chocolate-brown eyes opened to focus on stunned blue and red ones.

Iruka was finally awake. And the first thing he did was to give the shocked Kakashi a smile full of love, understanding and forgiveness.

_Like he loved...me...  
When he loved...me..._

With hands shaking from disuse, Iruka reached out to touch the pale jounin's bare face. He held it there and turned the face too look him in the eye. Kakashi could not help but drown in those deep brown eyes. Eyes that conveyed all the answers the silver-haired jounin had been waiting for almost a month.

_When somebody loved me,  
Everything was beautiful  
Every hour we spent together,  
Lives within my heart_

Seeing those warm brown irises and drowning once again in there depths snapped Kakashi back into reality. A reality that was not harsh anymore now that Iruka was finally awake. He dropped to his knees by Iruka's bedside, embracing the man with the desperation of a man longing for water in a desert. He let out all the things he had wanted Iruka to hear when he awakens. The guilt he had harbored since he saw Iruka lying there on the stark white hospital bed. The apologies he had softly told the chuunin when he was still in his comatose state. The vow to change his stubborn ways and to listen to Iruka's words of concern for him. The loneliness he had endured for not seeing his beloved's beautiful brown eyes and warm smiles. The relief, love and joy he experienced now that Iruka's awake. All of these things and more he poured out as he held Iruka's warm body to his, relief that the other man hugged him back.

_I'm such a stubborn ass, 'Ruka. I understand if you can't forgive for those words. Still, I will love you even if you now can't._

He had expected the smack on his head but not the light chuckle that followed it. Daring to look at Iruka's eyes, Kakashi gapped at Iruka's expression. The chuunin was amused.

_Kakashi no baka._

A light kiss on the lips then on the forehead. A smile that cleared all of the silver-haired man's doubts and insecurities.

_When he...loved...me..._

_Aishiteiru_…

Owari

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**Author's notes:**

Wah! This is my first (and might be the last) Naruto yaoi fic! And it's a fic of my favorite pair! Wah! I hope I did their pairing justice. Gomen nasai minna if I didn't. (bows before audience) I'm so sorry for the grammar errors and typos. Both of my betas are on vacation and I have no means of contacting them. And I'm so sorry too if my fic has some conflicts with the events happening in the series. I haven't watched them all so I have no idea after the part where the Sandaime died. I wrote this fic because a few of my friends threatened me to write a fic in this fandom. I've been a fan of kakairu and sasunaru for a year now so they thought it was high time for me to write a fic here. I was hesitant coz I haven't watched much of the series yet and might make an error in the facts of the series. It was supposed to be a short song fic but it evolved into quite a long one. I don't usually write song fics and if I did, it would be only 1 or 2 pages long. So this is the longest songfic I've ever written so far. I really hope you have enjoyed this fic! Hope to hear your feedback about it!


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